Living w/Muttin/Jeff & Multiple Sclerosis

A new beginning

I've got a new name for the blog!!! 

Am working on it now.  Am finally excited about blogging again!!!

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MS is stupid, but Jeffrey is cute

Today/tonite was frought with frustration.  Everything I touched, I either dropped it, dropped it, or dropped it.  Or I put it down and burned myself on it.  Then there was the tripping over everything I dropped.  And the tripping over things that have been in the same place forever. 

Walls and furniture seem to jump out at me.  When I turn around, I start to fall in the direction that I turned.  This running into everything is an odd sensation.  It feels as tho the floor comes up at me at a slant...  I'm not making sense.

I've got to move to somewhere that has a pain clinic. 

I saw auras around Jeffrey last nite.  Perhaps 2 nites of not sleeping would cause that? 

There's new symptoms going on. 

Sigh. 

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Wordless Wednesday

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A new feature in my blog

In order to motivate myself to blog every day, I've come up with various subject matters for each day.  There's several categories for each day so that I'll have a choice in order not to be nailed down to one thing for each day.  Cause as soon as I do that, I seem to rebel and refuse to do what I've told myself to do.  It's a weird onery thing. 

I've come up with Talky Tuesday where I will write about some major or minor event on the news.  Or when I'm not feeling very talky, I thought Teethy Tuesday would be cool - and then I thought if I'm feeling particularly clever, I could get my teeth into talky tuesday ... !

So without further ado ...

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SFM, if you're reading, you might want to skip this category ... you know how you are ...

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... or you could consider this therapy in order to get over your little hang-up.   :-0

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Mother's Day Monday instead of Sunday

Today's the 12th of May.  Do you realize what that means?  Well, besides the fact that I missed "Hurray for the 8th of May, National Outdoor Intercourse Day", it also means that I "missed" Jacob's birthday. 

Jacob ... Born May 6th, 1983.  Which would make him, had he lived ... egads.  25 years old.  Why do I have to figure that out each year? 

I didn't actually forget his birthday.  I thought about it for several days before the 6th, because there was a sign in the lobby saying so & so was doing haircuts on May 6th.  So every time I walked by that sign, I thought about Jacob.  But the actual day ... someone took the sign down, as it was no longer needed, so ... I forgot. 

I have been overly bitchy lately ... but I've been blaming the weather.  And Mother's Day.  Don't really like Mother's Day much the last 2-3 years.  Mother's Day, Jacob's birthday, and Idaho's May weather contributes to me being bitchy and alone in order not to inflict myself on happier people who drive me nuts with their chirpy-ness.

Both my sons have been on my mind alot these last few days.  A couple of times, in the last 3 years, when having difficult discussions with SonOne, I had asked him if he'd ever read the Jacob Poems ... having forgotten his answer the previous time/s I've asked him.  I had interrupted and/or side-tracked whatever it was that we were arguing about to ask, because I wondered how he could be acting like I was the stupidest, dumbest person alive - as if were someone who didn't know a thing about life, and how could he be treating me like that if he had read the poems and knew what I had gone thru all by myself at one time.  I thought going thru that life experience, SonOne should respect me for it, knowing I wasn't talking out my butt - I knew a thing or two about losses, etc.  I eventually realized it was a moot point ... I think SonOne should be more respectful simply because I gave birth to him, and am his mother, and I wasn't a bad mother - which was the message he was giving me. 

Motherhood has been a land-mine for me the last 3 years.  SonOne did something wrong - a rather large something wrong, and since then, he's not been the kid I knew all the years previous.  He used to call me most Sundays, and actually talk without prodding, or me doing most of the talking.  He was considerate, asking me if I needed anything, etc.  He'd laugh.  He was easy to talk to.  But since the bad thing that he did, and keeping a rather significant secret ... he's been ... mean and thoughtless at times.  It's been okay on the surface for the last several months because I've chosen not to address the damage as I need to before I'm okay about it again.  For me not to talk a problem out is like asking me not to breathe.  He knows that, but he can't get past his own ... guilt? and anger at me for calling him on his shit, and expecting an apology (sincere being the key word there), and/or a promise that it won't happen again (the lying to me).  That trust needs to be rebuilt and the way to do that was not to continue with hiding the very secret (for 2 more years) that caused the original damage in the first place.  He didn't "man up" certain decisions he made - and had he ... I would so much have respected his decisions much more than having to live with the damage I do now - damage that affects most every conversation we have now, no matter how benign, or how I feel about his girlfriend, whom I can't help but blame more than I should.  On the outside, it looks like he was a good, happy person before he met her, but since then, he's lied, and hid things, and been mean and thoughtless.  I wonder who the real SonOne is at this point, and can I believe anything at all.  He doesn't realize that I would MUCH rather had been angry for 5 minutes or 5 days ... but instead it's been distrust and distance and avoidance going on for 3 years now.  The fact that his girlfriend lied to me also doesn't help the situation at all - I find myself refusing to know her because it feels like it was all such a sham in the first place and the way he brought her into his life doesn't reflect all that is good and happy and truthful and sincere where relationships are concerned. 

He doesn't understand that I don't judge him for the decisions he made ... they are his decisions to live with.  He does seem happy.  Even tho it seems on the outside, to outsiders, that what he has now is not any different that what he had before.  I keep my emotional distance in order not to be hurt again - not to be lied to again.  Since he doesn't talk to me like he used to, I'm an outsider, so I don't understand his happiness, since it looks so much like he used to have before.  Mostly because I can't trust that he tells the truth when I ask how he is.  After the bad thing he did ... I would imagine he's got to save face by being happy even if he's not.  But like I said ... he SEEMS happy, and I really, really hope that he is.  I believed he was before, and I was wrong, because he was always "fine" when I asked.  A land-mine, I'm just say'n.  He wants to be treated like an adult, yet his excuse was "all kids lie to their parents".  Yup, they do.  Keyword being "kid", twenty-seven year old son of mine. 

If he understood to what level the distrust affects me ... I wonder if it would bother him, or if he'd want to fix it between us.  But at this point - all that I got when I attempted to talk to him is anger, so I've left it go for the time being. 

It's painful to not know the boundaries - is asking "How are you?" too nosy?  Do I have a right to expect the truth?  Is "I'm fine" acceptable, when I know that's what he told me before ... only it turned out he wasn't really fine?  Is a surface "I'm fine, how's the weather out there" normal between parents and grown-up children?  Will he tell me when something is wrong and he needs help/to talk about it/advice/support/unconditional love, like he used up up until 3 years ago? 

Besides that ... he hit below the belt by telling me that I was a no better parent to him than the father that ignored him for 23 of the first 25 years of his life.  Ironically, the whole episode has brought his father back into his life, and for that ... I am grateful.  Now my son knows he's got 2 parents for the first time in his life, and that is worth all my current angst about being a mother these days.  I'll especially be glad about it on Father's Day, but this Mother's Day?  Selfish, I know, but it sucks. 

It didn't used to matter, because I knew he loved me - this Mother's Day thing.  We're not the sending presents or flowers type of mother/son relationship.  But the last 3 years?  I don't like wondering whether he'll even bother to call.  Painful.  I spent most of the day gearing up my Strong Mom Shield - in case he didn't call.  I even let him off the imaginary hook - leaving the phone outside while I worked in the garden all day.  I don't like the hurt part inside of me that thinks flowers would be appropriate ... considering the damage that needs to be healed. 

But I do think that because I am what I am.  Today, Mother's Day ...  a mother who hurts because it feels like she's lost 2 kids now. 

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Edited to add - he did call.

Snicker. It was fun messing with my sister's head. Cause if my head's gonna be messed up, then hers might as well be too

Yes, there is enough left in there to pay the power, cable and cell phone.  But ONLY after I drove most of the way home, pulled off the freeway so I could think extra hard and do the math.  And realized I would have to run back to town and re-deposit half of what I had just withdrawn.  Gahhhhhh. 

The bills are paid.  There is chicken for the dogs.  And tuna in the cupboards for the cats if need be. 

The next option to try in order to avoid this emotional trauma of losing my brain because it stutters and leaps and jerks and gets stuck on one fact or percieved fact ... is to do things in the same order each and every month, with no exceptions.  Don't throw in anything new, like helping my sister who is helping me.  Also, I'll reset the online bills to be paid 5 minutes after the Magic Money comes in.   

The worst part is being proud of myself for doing it good this time.

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My monthly roller coaster, and we're not talking PMS

I wonder if I can write well enough to relay the frustration in my head because of my head, without being confusing or boring?

All last month, I kept a note up on the fridge of the things I needed to do with my next disability check, which comes on the 3rd of the month.  Usually, I forget what I need/want, and so there's always something I've forgotten when it comes time to do my monthly bill-paying and/or shopping.  I hate driving the 25 minutes into our "big city", so try to go only once a month.  With gas now up to $3.54 right now, it's getting ridiculous to drive much anyways.

So, yesterday, the Magic Money came in, early because the 3rd fell on Saturday, so it comes a day early.  I was prepared.  I was ready.  I was proud.  Not only was I ready, but I had it typed up - a list of groceries, and a little budget typed out on the back page, to show my sister what the plan was, and to make sure I knew what money I had left to play with after paying the bills and groceries. 

So do the math with me.  Humor me. 

780.00   (hmmm, there's more in there than usual-must have not spent it all last month.  Cool)

Minus 160.00 for rent = 620.00.  Minus 140.00 for cell, power and cable = 480.00.  Those are the done deals, no messing with, pay every month bills.  So we're at 480.00, and looking good. 

(Now if it were me reading this post, I'd move on, already overwhelmed with the numbers.  Should this happen to you, feel free to skip the details - evidently that's what I do in real life!)  (Just skip to the last 3 paragraphs - and two of those are only a sentence long - bear with me, I promise there's a point).

480.00 minus 90.00 for blogging service (once a year) = 390.00.  Minus 70.00 to my sister for 2 little bills she takes care of so I don't forget and get in trouble again = 320.00.

So!  Those are the half to take care of for the month.  Plus I bought computer memory from Cowinky last month (75.00) and owed him for it.  That and 2 months at Snap Fitness cause I forgot to pay last month ... so let's see ... 320.00 minus 75.00 and 64.00 = 181.00.  Minus 25.00 for chicken (dogfood) and 12.00 for canned catfood = 144.00.

Okay.  There's that.  But here's where it gets screwy.  I went to the bank and withdrew 260.00 cash, 160.00 for my sister, and 100.00 for me for the grocery store.  I bought 2 books for less than 20.00, found the chicken for 1/2 off normal price, and the catfood was also on sale, so I'm still on track. 

But in my mind, my sister is paying the bills.  So, because I gave her 160.00, I'm thinking ... my bills are paid!  I tried to help her out by doing the driving part and getting the money to her, saving her a trip to the bank. 

I've just got to STOP it.  I HAVE to do the same thing, each and every month, but when something goes different ... my thinking serves off-track. 

At Sam's Club, I got my groceries, etc., knowing I had 260.00 in my purse.  Forgetting that I had already given my sister her 160.00.  Wheelie paid for part of my stuff, and we'd stop at the bank and pay her back, right?  She told me not to worry about it, but I knew if I didn't pay her back right away, I would completely forget.  And she wouldn't remind me cause she thinks she owes me for all the housework I do for her, etc.  That wasn't the deal tho.  Anyways, the bank closed earlier than I remembered for a Friday nite, so I promised I'd go this morning (Sat) and get her cash then. 

This morning, I drove into town to the bank to get her cash, and also the Snap Fitness and CoWinky's computer memory money.  That's 64.00 plus 75.00 plus 90.00 for Wheelie = 229.00

Go back to the 8th paragraph - where I end up with 144.00, after paying for petfood, Snap Fitness, and the computer memory.  The balance in the bank was 359.00, so I withdrew 300.00 - thinking all was good!  I'd come out right, and everything was paid for!  I was proud!

I wonder if my sister can see the error of my ways right now? 

Let's just wait to hear from her before I go on.  More fun that way.  I like making her panic. 

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Oh, and by the way?  I can't find the rent check that the bank prints out for me.

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